Masturdates

My first solo trip to Havana, Cuba - October 2018

Mas-tur-date 

Verb

/to take oneself out on a date.

It is important to me to make sure I get away from others and spend time checking in with myself. I have noticed in my life how important it is to have time with just me. In the past I have not been very good at this. I tend to burn the candle at both ends and rarely have time carved out for me. In the hustle of it all, I neglect the one person that is key to making sure I am doing okay… me. Over the past few years, I have been incorporating a tradition or practice that is essential to making me happy, healthy and free. Masturdating. 

I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is…. yes...

”Masturdating” according to my fond memories of late night television was first coined by the great Conan O’Brien. It is the act of taking oneself out on a date. Some say that it is done when you’re stood up on a date or a friend bails on plans. I however, have made it an intentional part of my life because I have found that by going out and doing something on my own, I discover things about me that I didn’t know. 

One of the most important discoveries that I have had from these dates is that I really enjoy being with myself. Surprisingly, I don’t get lonely. I am not saying I am immune to loneliness. I need and crave human connection in a number of forms like anyone else. Rather, I have realized that I don’t feel the need to be with anyone else on these dates or that I am missing out by not being able to share the moment with another person. 

My experience goes all the way back to when I was fifteen years old. I was a “Manny” for a family in high school. Yes, I babysat a few kids for a family and one time they took me on a trip to Las Vegas to watch their children while they attended a convention. On one of the nights that week, the parents came back to the hotel and said they’d watch the kids so that I could go walk around and see the city. I consider this night to be the first night I ever truly masturdated. It was a night where I got to explore me and a sense of independence. It was awkward at first but once I got the hang of it, it ended with a bang. 

It was the first time I had been alone in a large city with the freedom to wander as I wished. I love cities, I love the lights, sights, and the heights. I get off on the energy and connection that you find in a place that draws masses of people.

I remember a moment that night, where I went to the top of the Stratosphere Hotel to see the view. There was a radio station broadcasted from the top that I always listened to. The station was 96.5 FM Solid Gold Oldies, music of the 60s and 70’s. When I got to the top and looked out over the sparkling strip of Las Vegas. Through the large glass window peering into the studio, I saw the DJ put on The Mighty Quinn by Manfred Man (a better version than Bob Dylans in my opinion). This was where I had my moment of excitement mixed with loneliness. I was in my element, I had reached a place that I found really fun and interesting but had no one to share it with. I can still feel that moment of internal conflict and not knowing how to process it at that age. I desperately wished I had someone to share it with but I also realized that wanting that wouldn’t change the fact that I was alone so I needed to enjoy it. 

I don’t reflect on that moment as one with any sort of disappointment but rather just an acknowledgment of how I felt. I never really processed that feeling until years later, not that it was life changing but rather that as an adolescent I was learning how to experience the world on my own. Now that I am in a place where I have more life experience under my belt, a well rounded world view and confidence in myself, taking myself out on a date is something I look forward to without any sense of wanting or lack of fulfillment.

Fast forward to my adult life and I love to masturdate. I masturdate all over the place. One place I love to masturdate is the movie theater. Another place is the kitchen. There is nothing like getting creative with dinner and then heading over to catch a late night movie solo. The practice isn’t as rare as one might think either. Food companies are seeing the trend and looking for ways to cater to solo diners. In a recent article called the Pleasures of Eating Alone, Wall Street Journal writer Ellen Byron writes that almost half of Americans at meals alone at home which is up 42% in the past five years from market research. 

This summer, I went and saw Dead and Company in Boulder. I took a Saturday night, drove up to Folsom Field, scalped a ticket and enjoyed an evening with 80,000 Dead Heads. John Mayer and crew play at Folsom Field every 4th of July weekend. This year I decided to make it happen and I knew it wouldn’t disappoint as I walked in to a long opening jam of Brown-Eyed Women. 

While masturdating it is important for me to make sure I have some sort of take away from the experience. I want to grow and use the opportunity to learn something or gain some new perspective. At the show I couldn’t help but notice how many families were there. They are legendary musicians and what they have created over the decades through music and community is a really impressive thing. So I got to know some of the families around me. I spoke with Kim, who was with her husband and brought their three high school daughters to the show. She said, they wanted them to experience a show to one day appreciate the concert and the music. She told me they used to have a shirt for her daughter Natalie when she was two that said “Daddy and me listen to Jerry”. Fourteen years later, Daddy and Natalie are still listening to Jerry’s music together. 

What I learned from Kim was that she and her husband were creating space for their children to experience different forms of greatness… or in the case “Grateness”. They were intentional about exposing their kids to something they would not likely choose on their own. I think about these things regularly as a dad. How can I provide opportunities for my girls that I know will benefit them? Investing in my children doesn’t have to be just cramming their heads with information and knowledge so they can get good grades. It is about showing them the world and the significant contributions of others. This can be represented through music, industry, community, nature or education. Had I not taken myself on a date this summer I would not have had the opportunity to meet Kim and witness her example of how to be a parent. I was excited for their family and inspired to make sure I continue my commitment to my girls to create experiences and opportunities for them to grow in life and for us to grow closer together as a family. 

Last year, I decided to spend an entire week masturdating. I took my first solo trip and visited Havana, Cuba. I am not going to lie, at first I was a little nervous. I travel regularly so getting there and finding interesting things to do was not my concern. I was concerned about whether I would be able to last an entire week. It is one thing to spend a night loving myself but to spend a week alone in a foreign country, I was a little concerned that I might have some of those feelings I had when I was 15 and spent my first night alone wandering the Las Vegas strip. 

What I quickly realized though was that my mindset was what mattered. I had an opportunity to really get to know myself and experience a new part of the world with the one person I have to live with for the rest of my life. The week was incredible, vibrant, fulfilling, fun, active, and educational. Lonely was the one thing that it was not. 

While I explore a new country, I explore myself. These are the moments where I feel like I am living life to the fullest. Whether it be a trip across the world, an afternoon at the park or a concert on a football field, making the most of me makes me one “Grateful Dad”.   

One of the many dads I met at Dead & Company this summer