Shine

Dating is hard. I had forgotten this until I actually started doing it after my divorce. I was married for almost a decade and so when I entered the arena I was pretty much a guy running around trying to stay alive. I still am at times but have learned to navigate things a lot better. 

One of the biggest challenges that I had was wrapping my head around the idea of not having to be all or nothing. Casually dating someone is a difficult concept because it leaves you with the realization that at some point this is going to end. So you are willingly walking into a situation that you will likely exit… often with heartbreak. 

Tennyson is correct though, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. 

So I am starting to think of relationships less in the context of soul mates and more like stars in a binary star system. A binary star system is where stars orbit around the same barycenter. A barycenter is the center of mass of every object in a solar system. The barycenter in our solar system changes depending on the position of the planets. 

In a binary star system, stars are coupled together and shine so brightly they appear to be one single point of light. They orbit with each other like a dance. It is a cosmic waltz through space at light speed where they burn together creating more energy than one of the stars produces on its own. 

This is the beauty of a relationship and partnership with someone. However, even in the context of space and time not everything is forever. It might take millennia but over time those binary stars rotate away from each other before coming back together. When their orbits are close enough they can reflect each others light creating brilliance and energy. A good and healthy relationship is when two people are at their best and like these stars, they reflect each others light for everyone else around them. That is the virtue of two people who are good together. But sometimes that shine isn’t so much meant to be eternal and those stars drift and begin to shine independently. 

This analogous way of thinking might just be a way for my psyche to cope with the heartbreak of ending a relationship. Or maybe sometimes people come into your life for a reason and some for just a season… and some for both. 

It is one thing to end a relationship for yourself but with children it creates a new set of obstacles. Learning how to break up together is part of being a single parent. It isn’t going to only affect my heart but theirs. 

So the question then becomes, how do I navigate those conversations and help them understand the world at such a young age? The questions parents have to field from kids are difficult already... “daddy, how many colors are there?” or “what kind of birds live in that tree?”. Adding in a layer of someone who was part of their life and then all of sudden not around anymore is confusing for them. They are intuitive and aren’t afraid to ask questions. I can’t respond with too vague of an answer to an honest question. Balancing the details with truthfulness is a delicate conversation. 

Despite the pain of heartache, I don’t want my girls to view love and relationships as hopeless after a break up. They are going to get hurt and they may hurt others. I hope that each relationship they have and we have as a family though, gives them a peek into a world where they learn that there are so many wonderful people out there. 

The constellation that me and the girls have is going to be bright for a long time. Why not add in more stars so that we can share our light as far and wide as possible. We have been blessed to share the light of others but like the binary system the stars orbits begin to move on and burn in their own glory. I know I speak for the girls that we are grateful for that shine and hope to see it back some day. Moving forward it is important for me not to focus on the unease of the conversation with them, but  look at it as a way to grow closer to my daughters; because when we go through a breakup together, our shine only burns hotter and brighter.