Soul Surfing
I like to do something I call soul surfing. I take a night, a weekend, a trip, a hike and use the time to connect with myself. Soul surfing for me is an intentional experience. It is about exploring my mind and riding the waves of thoughts and emotions as they come. I already walk around inside my head all day as it is but it feels more like a bombardment of the mind where navigation is survival; living in my own odds as I go through the day checking off lists, getting kids from point A to point B and running errands.
Soul surfing is taking a journey into my experience as a human, individual and father. Sometimes confronting my demons or celebrating my victories with intention. Other times it's about discovering more of who I am. It depends on what kind of waves the ocean in my mind has for me that day. Tonight's soul surfing episode is brought to you by a post yoga detox, some fresh air and MDMA.
I’ve been hesitant to write about the use of drugs in my life but after having many conversations with other parents, friends and family about the challenges, dangers, benefits and experiences, I felt it was something I couldn't not write about. This is not meant to be an endorsement of any kind rather the beginning of an important conversation around relationships towards substances.
Tonight as I surf through my thoughts with the help of Miss Molly, the wave that I want to ride is one around a conversation about drug use and the way we collectively think about it. More importantly, how I want my kids to think about drugs and what I want to teach them. I want to have conversations with my daughters about topics like this. Not just tell them how things are.
My first experience with MDMA many years ago was life changing. I was in a difficult place and did not have much direction. I was scared about the future and felt there was a connection to life that I was missing. However, that night I remember the moment where I saw into my future. I looked up into the starry cosmos and felt this grounding to the earth where the love of the universe wrapped me up in its arms and the wind spoke in my ear, “you’re doing great. I got you, just keep going”. I closed my eyes and saw the faces of my daughters. The tears poured down my cheeks and I knew that I had everything I needed. Other than the birth of my daughters it was the most profound moment of my life to date.
I grew up believing drugs made you wild and out of control. That they’d kill you, you’d go to jail and ultimately to hell. The idea of sitting at my computer, alone on a night like tonight, writing my thoughts down as waves of ecstasy run through me - I’m asking myself… I’m supposed to believe this is a bad thing?
I was at a housewarming party recently and had some illuminating conversations about the future of humanity and how science, technology and information are evolving so fast that the landscape for civilization is going to be almost unrecognizable fairly soon. This includes not only psychedelic, stimulant and hallucinogenic drugs but biohacking, genetic engineering and our biological fusion with technology. This lends itself to the future of how we think and talk about drugs and technology. The methods and mindset from the past are ineffective at best and dangerous at worst.
The war on drugs was a giant failure. One: you can’t have a war on an inanimate object. Try having a war on umbrellas or rocks and let me know how it goes. Two: the people who ended up being most adversely affected by the war on drugs are the people who need the most support. Underserved and at risk communities have been ravaged by drugs - both the legal ones and the illegal ones. Three: it didn't stop anyone from actually taking them. Rather only created a more dangerous and unregulated market for them adding new risks and dangers.
But as Mr. Dylan sang “the times they are a changin’”. I’ve heard some people call 2020 “The Great Reset” and as we seem to be moving into a very new world I believe a piece of that is going to be our mutual existence with all kinds of substances especially ones that haven't even been developed yet.
We have already seen leaps in the social strata around drugs like psilocybin which makes magic mushrooms magic. Universities like Johns Hopkins, Harvard and UCLA along with other research institutions have been given approvals by the FDA to do trials on depression with all kinds of psychedelics. In some cases 71% of participants with major depressive disorders were reduced or eliminated within four weeks (JAMA Psychiatry, 2020). That's kind of a big deal.
Portland, Oregan recently decriminalized all drugs, multiple locales have decriminalized mushrooms - which, side note, is ridiculous that they were ever criminalized in the first place. What’s next? Outlowing salad? GTFO.
Of course, cannabis is now legal in half the country with the federal government close to ending it as a schedule one drug. Keep this in mind, cannabis has a higher penalty by the federal government than meth, cocaine and adderall. Yet, we prescribe addy to kids who dont sit still.
I have a lot of thoughts about this because I have a lot invested in it. Things need to change. With a new reality and an emerging world, I don't want my children learning the same things I did because they aren't the right lessons for the future. For some the drug education they received from the 1960’s up until recently may have been effective. It wasn't for me and I know I’m not alone.
One thing that has changed are the stigmas, access, narrative and people's willingness to share their experiences of different drug use - even the term “drug” has so much weight to it. We have to unpack the word because it means a lot of different things to a lot of people. It's also a catchall term that sometimes means nothing.
Recently, my daughter Sarah asked “daddy what are drugs?”. Luckily this was not a conversation or question for me that made me nervous or uncomfortable. In fact I was excited. My goal as a dad is to have open and honest conversations with my kids. I don't ever want them to feel uncomfortable coming to me. And sex, drugs and rock n roll are all coming of age topics where healthy discussions are necessary.
I answered Sarah's question with a question first to see where her mindset was. “What do you think a drug is?” I asked.
“Drugs are bad,” she said. “Okay” I thought. My seven year old is getting the same education I did to start. I responded with “do I do drugs?”.... Silence. They had to think about it because they clearly didn’t know. I let it linger for a minute and said “did you know that I do a drug every single morning when I wake up?” more silence… I could tell they didn’t like the idea of drugs = bad. Daddy = drugs. Daddy = bad. “I drink coffee every morning which has caffeine and caffeine is a drug”. The wheels in their minds were spinning faster than the tires of our car.
I was taught one narrative about “drugs” - they’re evil and dangerous…. Except with a doctor's note (insert eye roll). One of the largest drug problems in America today is addiction to prescription opioids. A drug to one can be a medicine to another and a medicine to another can be a poison for some.
We call a prescription from a doctor “Medicine”. So what makes one substance a drug versus a medicine? The terms are not mutually exclusive.
Our notions around this topic are culturally developed. It's not crazy to compare coffee to heavier substances. I grew up in a community where half the population thinks coffee is equally as bad as alcohol due to religious reasons. However, if you are Catholic, wine is a sacrament and for some native tribes peyote is like a form of communion.
At that moment in the car with my girls, I asked myself, “what do I wish I had been taught about drugs growing up?” The answer hit me instantly. I wish that it had been a conversation. That it had been about my relationship to drugs. That it was discussed around responsibility, truth and confidence rather than fear, guilt and misinformation.
In a recent article from Harpers Bazaar titled 'Mommies who Mushroom’ Andrea Stanley explores the increase in use as well as benefits that different parents are finding from assistance of psychedelics as they navigate the challenges of raising children. She writes, “this is where parents, long the gatekeepers of conversations and conceptions about drugs, have a chance to change the narrative”. For me changing the narrative is one of the ways I parent.
I remember hearing a story about a guy who once took acid and lost his ability to see color for the rest of his life. What a terrifying story to tell a child. I learned this when I was around my girl's age and still remember it to this day. Fast forward to my adult life and I have had a number of experiences with LSD (also a much lighter term than the harsh and terrifying street name ‘Acid’) many of which have been life changing and miraculous and a few that were not so great.
Last year I spent an afternoon with some Shamans in their home on the hillside of the Andean Mountains in Cusco, Peru. The backyard was a pleasant and well tended garden with stunning views of the city and mountain range in every direction. It was a gorgeous sunny July afternoon and I was taking part in a San Pedro ceremony. San Pedro is a cactus that produces a drug called mescaline or a cousin to peyote. It has a rich tradition as a spiritual plant and medicine and has been used for hundreds if not thousands of years.
I first read about mescaline in Aldous Huxley's book “The Doors of Perception”. Written in 1954, the iconic author takes a mescaline trip and then writes about his experience. Huxley writes, “if the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is. Infinite”. I guess you could say he was the father of soul surfing.
“If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is. Infinite”
Back in the mountains of Peru, the shamans who I was spending the afternoon with were a married couple that had been guiding people through sacred, spiritual journeys with the use of different plant medicines. Spoiler alert, it was not a life changing or transcendental experience for me.
Confession: I was interested in one of these spiritual, touristy drug experiences that are currently en vogue. I was curious about it because I’ve heard so much in the past few years. I’ve done enough psychedelics to know that they are a gamble each time. Where you are is important, who you are with is important and what kind of mindset you bring to the experience is important… or the set and setting. I figured I’d have an awesome experience in another country doing something completely new.
I’m not saying anyone should or should not have the goal of drug tourism, rather that if you are trying to be happy think of the words of Jodi Picoult “improve your reality or lower your expectations”. The irony is that many of these drugs can indeed improve your reality and at the bare minimum change it. But what I’ve learned from some of these drugs is that I can change my reality on my own. Drugs may not necessarily be a savior.
We sat around a table in the grass, they poured the tea that I would drink, burned some incense and then he played a wooden flute while she chanted and banged a tambourine. I asked if I could play the drum and join in the music and she gave me a big grin and said yes, handing me the instrument. I drank the tea and they gave me a bucket in case I needed to vomit and then…. we waited. The thought that crossed my mind was, I really don't know these people. I just found them in a shop in town. Ultimately I trusted them but that is the crux of my method to parenting…. experiential. To teach my girls that just because it's a “shaman”, it doesn't mean a thing but also you have to experience life and take risks. They ended up being a very lovely couple.
After some time the effects kicked in lightly. He said I should drink another glass and poured the awful, green concoction into a cup and served it to me. After we waited a while she told me to come lie down on my back and close my eyes. She put stones on my stomach and what I think were my chakras, ending on my forehead. She sang sweetly and rhythmically as the afternoon sun beat down on me in the soft grass. It was extremely relaxing and I fell asleep for a bit.
I dreamt about a llama in vivid and bright rainbow and black colors. Which of course makes sense because they’re everywhere in Peru. When I woke up, she removed the stones, asked me what I dreamt and I told her.
When I opened my eyes, I couldnt fucking believe what I saw. Everything was in black and white! I looked at her with a little bit of confusion and then looked around the backyard, the hillside, the city, and the garden. It was like I was in an old time movie.
If you’re interested in a potential scientific explanation. Research the McCullough effect. It's pretty cool. Color still existed in that moment but I could not see it.
So, I look back now on the information I was given as a seven year old and recognize that it wasn’t entirely untrue, rather it was inaccurate and used to scare me. I highly doubt that this mystery man lost his sight of color forever but I believe he may have lost it for a period of time. Additionally, the experience for him may have been terrifying… for me it was amazing.
I have had to learn over time which substances I am willing to roll the dice on and what the cost/benefit ratio of each one is. I’ve discovered that some drugs that I’ve taken once had incredibly positive impacts on me and now tend to do the opposite and make me anxious or paranoid. Others that I was nervous about trying have been incredibly positive contributions to my well being. Tonight included.
So when I talk to my kids about drugs it isn’t a one and done conversation. It also isn't me dictating the terms, reality and rules to them. It is a discussion. It’s sharing openly and honestly the good and the bad experiences I’ve had. It is about being honest as to why I do them and when. Asking my kids what they have heard, felt and thought? Surely their answers to those questions will change over time. It is a conversation that will continue throughout their life because relationships to people, things and ourselves are never ending. Why would we have one absolute talk with our kids and then never speak of it again?
I have come to accept the reality that my daughters will be offered drugs throughout the course of their lives and I can’t protect them from everything. I want them to learn how to navigate those situations and understand their connection to these powerful substances. Not to be terrified, judge them and have no understanding of what or how they work. I will advocate that they experiment with some of them if they feel the need and avoid others if that's what their heart tells them.
In Andrea Stanley's Harper's Bazaar article she writes, “this is a time of psychedelic renaissance, of mushroom mania. It's a time when people are increasingly turning to psychedelics not for recreation but for healing - and many of them are parents''.
Drugs have the ability to bring people together and in my case bring me closer to myself. If our relationship with them however, is not healthy it can have the opposite effects and ruin relationships with others and ourselves. There can be dangers and consequences. By the time my daughters have grown into adulthood most of these drugs will be legalized and widely available. I don’t trust public education to effectively teach kids about their costs and benefits. It isn’t their responsibility. It is mine as a father.
I still have much to learn about my own relationship with substances. I have to decide for myself what impact drugs can have on my own life and well being. It may be that all drugs just aren't for you. It might be that many different drugs bring positive benefits to your life. Only you can decide that for yourself.
So, I’ll leave you with this. There are a number of definitions of the word ecstasy. My favorite is from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary and it's simple. “rapturous delight”. To me rapturous delight is how I feel about my daughters… MDMA or stone cold sober. My heart bursts when I see and think of them. That is why I’m willing to challenge traditional ideas around how I parent. It may be an unpopular opinion to a lot of other parents. If I'm an outcast in parent circles but my kids have the leg up they need in life then I’d do it 1000 times over. I see it as the best way to equip them for the greater world and life. Sometimes it requires surfing some pretty big waves inside my soul to understand what that means.
