Transitioning kids between homes when families are split can be up and down. Sometimes after a great few days with my kids, I drop them off at school or with their mom and can feel the guilt and loss deep within my core the second I walk away. Other days, I cannot wait to drop them off… like “here ya go! Peace out!”. It all depends on the week, the day, the attitude, what kind of energy was in the home that week. Maybe everyone was pissy and you fought every day or maybe you had the best experience in the mountains or cozy weekend playing games and watching Disney movies. After talking to other parents, I realized we are all experiencing similar feelings.

Recently, I was taking my dog Maggie outside and as I was walking back in, I caught a dad dropping off his little girl with her mom. With long brown hair, a sparkly backpack and a little doll baby clutched in her arm… she looked to be about the same age as Clare. I could see the transition from a mile away. I stood in her Dad’s shoes a week before, transitioning my girls through that same door out of my building.

As he held the door for his little girl you could see the reluctance in her movements. It was obvious she was excited to see her mom but also uncomfortable she was leaving her daddy. As she walked into the lobby I could hear a slight crack in his voice as he said “bye sweetie, I love you” holding back the tears as he watched his little girl walk into the building. My heart broke for him knowing how painful it is to see your heart and soul walk away, knowing it will be some time before you see them again. Even though, they are only a Facetime away or a quick drive, the idea of them leaving is painful. What are they experiencing? It is hard for them to understand everything happening and what impact is that having on their psyche? Is this constant back and forth putting unneeded stress on them?

At the same time, I also know that when I walk away the girls will be fine. They have a good mom and I know they are safe and loved. That is all that matters. As I went back up stairs, I only hoped that this Dad had a great weekend ahead of him. One that would only be possible to have without kids. I know some parents feel guilty when they don’t have their children on the weekends and then do the same things they’d do if they did. I am not judging anyone who does this merely pointing out that this doesn’t work for me. I miss my girls incredibly, but the way I look at it…. I basically have a free babysitter for the weekend or next four days. I can get caught up at work, I get to cook actual food and not have to clean rice off the floor (we didn’t even have rice for dinner). I get to take that 6:00 yoga class (AM or PM), the movie I watch won’t include the words “captain” or “underpants” and I get to sleep alone or maybe at least somewhat alone… I get to be me and enjoy my life a little differently as a single dad.

On the days when I do have my girls, I can’t wait to get to them. I love seeing the looks on their faces when I pick them up from school. When they turn and flash those smiles, then come running towards me, it reminds me that I need to cherish these moments because they won’t last forever. There is nothing like one of Sarah’s hugs, she is the world’s best hugger and to get one makes you feel so loved. To hear Clare tell you about what happened at school is an honor.

My days with the girls are the days that I get to grow. I have to practice patience and understanding in a way that I don’t have to on off days. And they aren’t the only ones who transition. Putting on my dad shoes, I have to think differently, plan differently and work differently. I have to make sure I get my job affairs in order, balance school drop offs and early meetings, make sure girls have everything they need but create a house that mixes fun and responsibility. These are the moments that I find myself getting better in my job, paying attention to my calendar by prioritize things correctly and getting better at building relationships with others. I am focusing on making a real home for the girls that is safe and magical and a wonderful part of their childhood. As I raise my girls, I get to expand my own horizons.

As I rode the elevator up with the little girl and her mom. She was mostly silent. I could tell she was thinking about the transition but by the time we got to the 7th floor she was already excited and happy to see her toys. I like to think that she said in her head “daddy I love you” and just transitioned into being a kid. That’s at least what I hope for my girls. I don’t want them to be sad or feel like something is missing because they aren’t with me. I don’t want it for them when they aren’t with their mom either.  

I get to be a better me regardless of when I have them. That is the beauty of my children. They make me better when I am with them and better when I am without them. Not to sound overly dramatic, but the truth is, I am nothing without them and everything with them. That is the best part about transitions. Because of Clare and Sarah, I get to transition like a pendulum going back and forth, happiness on one side, love on the other. Who wouldn’t want that?