Ungerwear

“I don't know where I’m going from here but I promise it won't be boring” - David Bowie

“I’m worried about my feet.” That's how the conversation started. I was talking to Ungerwear. That’s his trail name. His real name is Ryan Unger. I’ve known Ryan since I was in high school. We are both from the same small town in Idaho. As far as small towns go, most everyone knows everyone. He and I were never close but through different mutual friends and family we had a loose friendship. I’d recently seen Ryan for the first time in years when he made his way through Denver visiting our mutual friends Caleb and Justin. 

On the phone, Ungerwear told me he understood my pain. “I know exactly how you feel about your feet. I had plantar fasciitis for 1200 miles of the Appalachian Trail.” 

I was silent for a minute but my mind was loud. “Did he just say 1200 miles? First, how long is the Appalachian Trail? Secondly that doesn’t sound very comforting and what am I getting myself into?”  

“Hold on a second, how long is the Appalachian Trail?” I clarified. 

“About 2200 miles?” He responded

“So how long is the trail we are doing?” I said with a bit of concern. 

“Depends on a few things and there are some different numbers out there but on average about 500 miles.” He said nonchalantly. 

My only knowledge of the Appalachian Trail was from elementary school… something about the 13 original colonies or the Blue Ridge Mountains. It's somewhere on the East coast. But this was the Colorado Trail and we were still hiking 500 miles. My head was swimming with information. Not only was I thinking about heading off into the wilderness for the next month but I was now realizing that the distance had never really occurred to me. I don't know why but it seemed to be an incredibly important detail that I somehow overlooked. 

I compared the two numbers in my head and was grateful we weren’t hiking thousands miles but didn’t find a whole lot of relief in the idea of 500 either. I blurted out the first line of the song by the Proclaimers in a dopey singing voice… “And I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more…”

“So what happened with your feet then? I asked. Did it just go away?” 

“Yep, they eventually got stronger”.

It made sense. I couldn’t believe I was thinking about doing this though. 

This might be a huge mistake. I love to backpack, hike and camp but hiking the whole Colorado Trail seemed excessive. I was wondering what I would gain from a month of walking through the forest that I couldn't gain from four or five days; or a long weekend. It also felt like it was going to be really difficult, painful, frustrating, exhausting and it seemed… well kind of amazing. You know the saying when life closes a door it opens a window? This was like life closed the door but blew a hole in the side of the house with a neon sign saying “this way”. 

A few weeks prior I had hopped on my computer to join a meeting for work that had been put on my calendar kind of out of the blue. It was an odd meeting because it was with the manager of the east coast who I didn’t report to or work with. The title of the invite was regarding a top customer of mine and an alignment strategy. Considering this customer had no real presence out east and that the manager rarely interfaced with them it was weird but I figured I would find out more during the meeting.

I logged on to my Microsoft Teams at 9:00 AM on that Tuesday to see another individual who was quickly introduced as someone from human resources and that today would be my last day with the company. I initially thought it was a joke and almost started laughing until I processed their demeanor and expressions. 

“Seriously?” I thought. “How is this possible? I’ve never been let go from a job in my life. My numbers were solid and I had just done a mid-year review that was glowing. They had recruited me only nine months ago! In fact, I left an arguably better company where I was thriving because they offered more money.

The manager and the woman from HR were quick to let me know that it was not performance based and that it was due to supply chain, a war in Ukraine and the global economy. “Well that’s bullshit” I thought. Everyone is dealing with supply chain issues and supply chain has always been a challenge for as long as I’ve worked in this industry. It was one of those excuses that people use to get off the hook that no one will question because everyone uses them. Like ‘ever since COVID…” even though ‘COVID’ happened years ago. I had so many questions, thoughts and emotions it was hard to process it all. I asked why the east coast manager was holding this meeting and why my manager wasn’t.

“Where is David?” I asked a little incredulously. They told me they couldn’t comment but that there were other lay-offs that happened and more that would be happening all week. So they couldn't comment on other peoples employment status and I’d have to deduce why they were conducting the call. I got a pit in my stomach. “They fired David too? This is so fucked up.” I thought about the scene in the movie Margin Call where Stanley Tucci is being fired along with half the floor of a company he had dedicated years of service to. 

I hadn't heard from David in a few days but now it was all starting to come together. I had sent him a few emails, texts and messages that had all been ignored. Punctuality and communication were his strong suits so being ghosted by my boss had felt off but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I remembered he said he was traveling. 

But now it was like a freight train had come crashing into my life. “Thanks for wasting my time.” Is what I wanted to say but instead listened to the next steps and logistics of everything that goes along with going separate ways. 

So there I was now staring down the barrel of the unemployment market. Frantically thinking about my resume and LinkedIn and recruiters. I felt humiliated. I had waves of panic and fear flow through me - and then….  a sense of calm. I knew there was nothing I was going to do that day and so I packed my bag and headed up to Breckinridge with my friends Caleb and Justin who had invited me to spend a few days at a condo. 

The drive into the mountains was soothing and sorely needed. I tried to focus on the scenery but my mind was whirling. The word had spread quickly because my phone hadn’t stopped ringing with customers and colleagues calling to express their anger and sympathy. I answered some and ignored others. Misery loves company and I was driving alone. I felt empty and then angry and then frustrated then free then angry again. It was a cycle of emotions that seemed to pounce on me one after the other sometimes before the last one had left, like a dog pile of thoughts and feelings. Eventually I wore myself out and simply felt ambivalent. 

I drove straight to happy hour where my friends had said they were going and parked my car along main street. The resort town was busy with families from all over enjoying their summer vacations. I walked into the restaurant and sat down at the table trying not to appear so downcast. They were joined by Sandra, another one of their friends who was visiting the mountains from New York. I hadn’t told them the news yet so I was a little nervous to bring the mood down. 

“I just need to vent for a second because it is so fresh,” I said. “I don't want to derail the conversation with my drama but I just got let go from my job this morning”. I could see the slight tilt of a few heads from the table across from me in an attempt to eavesdrop. The server had arrived at the moment of my announcement and I could sense he felt awkward. 

“Welcome… Can I ughh… get you something to drink?” he said quickly trying to mask his discomfort. . 

I ordered something strong and went back into the details. I gave them the rundown of what had happened, my initial thoughts and how I was feeling. Their faces expressed genuine sympathy and concern for the news and instantly made me feel like I’d made the right decision by coming up. 

“I really don't want to dwell on this though guys” I said after finishing up the cliff notes of the day's events. My drink landed just in time “No promises that I wont get too drunk though” I said as we lightly touched the edges of our glasses in unison, “cheers to the mountain air and to whatever is next. I’m sure it will be an interesting journey” I said, trying to find a way to change the tenor of the table to something more positive. 

I knew that once again I was at a crossroads in my life. Shit happens and it never comes at a good time or when you are prepared for it. I was going to have plenty of time to process and think about this shit but didn’t want to anymore that day. 

“By the way, my family says hi Caleb”. I had just been back to the town in Idaho where he and I had grown up. I had taken my two daughters on our first road trip driving through Moab and then to Southern Idaho. I had shown them the houses I grew up in and took them on the nickel tour of life as a kid in the Gem State. 

“Awe, how are they all doing?” he asked. I gave him the rundown on family and the town. “They’re good, it was fun to see a lot of people that I haven’t seen in years. I forget how small of a town it is until I go back. That reminds me, have you heard from Unger recently? I haven’t seen him since he swung through town six months ago. He came up in conversation with my family too.”  

“Oh Unger'' Justin chimed with a boyish smile. “Such a great guy, but not sure where in the world he is at the moment”. 

The conversation turned to figuring out dinner and what was on tap for the rest of the evening. 

“How about an absinthe bar later?” Sandra suggested.

“Absinthe-lutely” I thought. 

Early the next morning I couldn’t sleep. As I had suspected, the freight train of thoughts was starting to pull into the station: thinking about the home that I just bought, and what I should do next. How do I even apply for unemployment? They gave me the packet of info but still couldn’t believe it was my reality. I could feel the shame start to creep in and the anxiety about the future started to grow.

I hopped out of bed, grabbed some coffee and decided I’d do a hike with Maggie, my four year old black and white pointer-terrier mix. I needed to clear my head and there was a trail that shot straight up into the woods directly behind the condo where we were staying.

I geared up, threw some snacks and water in my pack and stepped outside to a cool July morning. As the sun slowly rose I was struck by the beauty of the mountains and the purity of the air hit my nostrils. “This never gets old” I thought to myself. “I wonder how long it would take for me to not be captivated by nature? Is that even possible?” There is nothing novel about admiring the beauty of the natural world. It has to be one of the most common human experiences. Yet for something so ordinary, there is no limit to nature's capacity for extraordinary. 

I didn't do research on where the trail went or how long it was and decided to just see where it led. The day was new and I had a fresh supply of time. Right out of the gate the trail was steep. The incline twisted with switchbacks across the side of the hill and it wasn’t long before I was rethinking my decision to simply go with the flow. The trail finally started to level out and I could see it snake through an endless wooded beyond. The sun shone through the forest casting morning shadows on me as I walked east towards the light. It was silent and calm and peaceful. All of the things nature is and all of the things I needed.  

After a while, I came to an intersection of two trails. To the north was the Hippo Trail and the left and right was the Colorado Trail. “I’ve heard of this” I said to myself “ but couldn’t remember the details. 

I don’t make it a point to try and know everything there is to know about Colorado. I had moved to the state about six years ago and had spent a lot of time outdoors since. The state has so much to offer that trying to take it all in would be an exercise in futility. Overtime I had picked up on this theme among the adventure community where a sense of self-worth was defined by the knowledge and time spent throughout the state's giant outdoor playground. It is a sense of entitlement and self proclaimed ownership. 

“Oh you’ve never been to ______?! I camp/ski/bike/hike/climb there all the time” One might say as though this particular place holds some special bond that no one else could understand.  

Where had I heard about the Colorado Trail though? I had a flashback to a customer telling me that he had done a portion of it with his son's Boy Scout troop a few years ago. “Oh ya, this is a thing people do” I realized as my memory started to come back. I didn’t know what it meant just that it existed as a sort of bucket list kind of experience or trip. I didn't know why it was a thing but knew someone who would.  

I took a picture of the sign and sent it to Unger. I remembered when he was in town earlier that year that he said he hiked a bunch of really long trails or something. 

“Have you done the Colorado Trail?” I texted him with the photo of the sign post and logo of the Colorado Trail Foundation. 

I got a quick response. “I did a portion of it when I was on the Continental Divide Trail, but on the 26th I’m heading out to do the entire thing! You coming along?”

I laughed out loud to myself at the initial absurdity and then thought about it more for a minute. Almost like there was a seed that had been planted in my stomach and I could feel a tiny little sprout take place. “Hmmm?” I thought for a minute through all of the reasons why I shouldn't or couldn’t go along and I had a hard time convincing myself. “It's not something I’m interested in” I argued with myself. I have an actual bucket list written down and this is not on it. “What Paul, you only do things that are on your bucket list? I heard myself retort.“Get over yourself.”  

I texted back, “Um I’d be up for maybe doing part of it. What are the details? What do I need, how long is it taking you?” 

“The plan is to be done by August 26. That is when most of the group has to fly out of Durango. So that means averaging about 16-20 miles per day.” he responded. 

I told him to hang tight and I’d want to hop on a call with him to discuss more but deep down there was something telling me that I was doing this. I hadn’t consciously decided to go, rather it felt like a new piece of the fabric of my life was being spun by The Fates and my destiny was being formulated without my full consent.

So here I was on a Sunday afternoon about a week later talking to Ryan about all kinds of gear and logistical details and concerns and everything else including my feet that had been ailing me for the past few years. If you have never had plantar fasciitis let me tell you it is debilitating. You wake up every morning with a pain that feels like needles being jammed into the bottom of your foot. It flares up at the most inconvenient times, it makes exercise difficult and going for a walk problematic. 

At some point I had learned to just deal with the pain because my efforts to correct it had been exhausting. I’d done physical therapy, acupuncture, massage therapy, saw specialists and had spent hundreds of dollars on custom orthotics. Some of it would work for a short time and go away and then a few months later it would be back like an unwanted house guest you can’t get rid of. Currently the pain had returned from whatever vacation it had been on and was back in full force. 

Part of me felt like it was just an excuse to not have to fully commit but I didn’t want to get into something that I would regret either. Also, I do not like to start things that I can’t finish. I once held onto a picture from a coloring book for weeks because I couldn’t bring myself to start a new one without finishing the current one that I’d lost interest in the moment I started coloring it. 

But this was different. I didn’t feel like I had to fully commit to the whole thing right away. I just needed to commit to getting started. I didn’t know what the future held. All I knew was that this opportunity seemed to present itself in a very mystical, serendipitous or coincidental sort of way. I had no reason not to trust Ryan’s experience and advice and as cliche and obvious as it may seem the quote from Robert Frost’s poem The Road Not Taken emerged in my mind.

“I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

Took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.” 

Literally and figuratively my life had come to a crossroads where I was faced with the decision of taking the path less traveled. 

“Okay” I said as I threw my hands in the air. “I’m in.” 

Ungerwear as he is known on the trail is as unique as they come. He is someone who genuinely wants the best for everyone around him. He is jolly in ways few people are, thoughtful and encouraging. He has an arid wit and will crack a joke in almost any situation, sometimes so dryly that it takes a minute to recognize his sarcasm. He’s like a version of  Santa but with ‘Trail Legs’. He’s got a long strawberry beard and has a magical spirit that only those of folklore tend to possess. He’s an avid and experienced outdoorsman, gifted photographer and driven by faith and a spiritual conviction of sharing his faith with others. 

A few years prior he had completed the legendary Triple Crown which includes The Pacific Crest Trail (PCT), The Continental Divide Trail (CDT) and the Appalachian Trail (AT). A few months before he had just wrapped up 800 miles of the Arizona Trail from Mexico to Utah. In addition he had done dozens of backpacking trips and hikes all over the world from South America to the Middle East. Ryan has a perpetual smile and is always excited to see you, regardless of how long it's been and who you are. He genuinely cares about everyone around him and wants the best for others. 

In preparing for the trip, one of the first things that Ungerwear told me was to get an umbrella. He said it’s his favorite article for hiking. What I would learn on the trail very quickly was that there are things that you need and things that you don’t need and everyone’s needs are different. For instance, the first thing I realized that I didn’t want nor need nor would ever want to take on a backpacking trip was an umbrella. But for Ryan that’s exactly the thing that he treasured most and who am I to argue with the man who had hiked half of America? His pack weighs 30 pounds with water and food. He’s up at 4:30 and packed up and on the trail by 4:50. So I bought one and tucked it away with the rest of my gear. 

A week later I was ready to go. I was excited. I had everything packed up so all I needed to do was pick up my backpack and weigh it. I had my clothes laid out like a kid ready for the first day of school. There were only two options of clothes so it wasn’t quite as thrilling as sporting new threads on day one of middle school but I did have a new dry fit t-shirt I was excited about. I looked at the simple outfit that I would be wearing for the next month and thought about how well acquainted I was going to get with it. As far as clothing went I had gone back and forth on what outfits I wanted to pack and landed on what I thought was the most basic wardrobe to get me by. 

I had a green long sleeve Mountain Hardwear sun shirt that my daughters picked out for me at REI, and a pair of gray Orvis trekking pants that I had gotten at Costco two years before. I wanted to limit the amount of new articles of clothing because I didn't want to end up stuck with a shirt that I would find out chaffed my nipples or a pair of pants that rides up because I didn't test them out. I had two pairs of Nike compression shorts/underwear - one black, one gray and a pair of Lululemon apple red yoga shorts. These would act as swim trunks and an extra pair of underwear with the built in lining. I had a hat with the Colorado ``C” logo and a tie dye bandana I’d bought at a gear store in Turkey a few years before.

For the cold weather I had a pair of thermal long johns, black gloves, a camouflage Eddie Bauer fleece and an alpaca wool beanie from Peru. I had a yellow rain jacket that I’d also picked up at the Eddie Bauer outlet the weekend prior to go along with my umbrella - I assumed hiking in rain storms was imminent. I attached a pair of Chaco Sandals that I’ve had for about 15 years to a carabiner on the outside of my back and looked at them as they dangled with a look of heaviness. I really didn’t want to only take one pair of shoes but was trying to find ways to cut down as much weight as possible. I know how convenient it is to have a pair of camp shoes or something you can wear around the campsite each night with comfort and ease. After a full day of hiking getting out of one's shoes is a magical feeling but being left with naked feet is limiting. Simple things like getting up to pee become cumbersome and tedious tasks. I took the sandals off and put my pack on. Then put the sandals back on and put my pack on. I went back and forth like this a few times until I looked at my hiking boots tipped over on their sides and said “looks like it's just you and me fellas” and I put my sandals back in the closet. 

Because my feet were my biggest concern I also did a lot of research on what kind of footwear people prefer on trips like this. The overwhelming majority of people I talked with or found online chose trail running shoes as the foot du jour. They tend to be lightweight, made from materials that dry quickly, last 300-400 miles on average and provide overall good support. I was reluctant to go this route despite it being the clear preference for so many hikers. For one I would need to buy a completely new pair of shoes, not only newly made but new to my feet. I was nervous about getting a pair that ends up being problematic even after breaking them in… and I would have to break them in. Not an ideal situation. 

I had recently put about 100 miles of trail onto a pair of North Face hybrid athletic style hiking boots that so far were the frontrunners. They looked like a mix between a pair of basketball shoes and brown leather boots that had been marketed as waterproof. Traditionally, hiking boots in my opinion are clunky and heavy but that's the trade off for stability and durability. I needed a high top option of shoe and none of the trail runners really fit that bill. After trying a few pairs of the trail runners on I loved how light they felt but kept having visions of me rolling my ankle on the side of a mountain ridge with a 40 lb pack. The weight of my backpack pulling me over the ledge to my death or best case scenario my ankle completely shattered, leaving me stranded in the wilderness. 

After I had made all of my final decisions on gear. I put on my clothes for the next day, strapped on my backpack and stepped onto the scale… 242 pounds. I dropped my backpack to the side to see the number 201 looking back at me. “Perfect” I thought, I could stand to lose about six pounds and was pretty sure I’d lose a lot more than that on the trail. I took everything off and laid it back out so it would be ready to go first thing in the morning. “By the way, what is the plan for the morning?” I thought out loud. I had texted Ungewear a day ago and had not heard anything back. Was I meeting him and his crew at the trailhead? Was there a plan in place? I sent him another text starting to become a little anxious about the reality of what I was about to embark on and not have any indication on next steps. 

My phone started buzzing with a facetime call from my daughters. It was my seven year old daughter Sarah. The day before I had dropped them off at their moms house. It was a really difficult day because it would be a month before I would see them again. When finally saying goodbye in the driveway of their moms house Sarah had wanted to give me a hug multiple times. Wrapping her tiny arms around my neck and squeezing with all her might I could feel the sadness in her little body not wanting to let go. It filled me with love and beauty but also with pain. I didn’t want to let her go either. As a father there are days where I crave the feeling of my kids hugs. It's like this need for a very specific type of energy that only they can provide. I feel it from my bones to my skin and this hug today was as if Sarah was giving me all of her energy to sustain me for the next month. 

She started to cry and I told her she was going to have so much fun over the next month. Her cousins were in town staying with them and there were all kinds of activities and things to look forward to. My older daughter Clare came out and gave me a less emotional hug. She was already distracted by the neighbor kids playing in the street and I didn’t need or want her to be sad so I gave her a kiss and hopped into my car. I started driving off and the absence of their spirits crippled me. I was overcome with emotion and a flood of tears poured down my face. 

In part I was doing this for them. Not directly but like the seed that I felt sprouted in my gut when the opportunity came, I felt like this was a seed I was planting in theirs and my life that would benefit all of us in the long run. That when the day arrives where one of their lives comes to a halt or changes paths, they will have an example to draw on that gives them confidence or faith in doing something in the face of that challenge. Maybe they’ll want to do a thru-hike one day or they’ll just know that the power is within them to make the most of their circumstances and to seize the day regardless of what life throws at them. I was fortunate that I was able to know they were in good hands. I didn’t have to worry about their safety or well being while I was isolated and off the grid for weeks at a time.

It was now about 9:00 PM the night before and I was eating dinner with Caleb and Justin when they asked me if I was nervous about leaving for the trail in the morning. “I definitely have some jitters,” I told them. “On the one hand, I’ve been backpacking a lot and I’m in pretty good shape endurance wise. I’m mostly anxious about how I have no idea where or what I’m doing in the morning though. I haven’t heard from Ryan in two days and he was adamant that we were all leaving on the 26th.”

Caleb grinned with a look that empathized. “I don't think logistics are Ryans strong suit, '' he said. I laughed out loud acknowledging how true this was and also one of the endearing qualities about Unger. A few minutes later my phone buzzed with a text message that said… “How do you feel about breakfast at this house at 8 tomorrow morning then we can do a shake down and figure out last details before we head out”.  

I was relieved to have a response but also had so many follow up questions. First off… What house? I would need an address. Secondly, what details do we need to figure out? Shouldn’t everyone be packed and ready to go? It's hiking, there really isn’t anything to do except put one foot in front of the other. Also, 8:00 for breakfast?!! I knew instantly that 8:00 for breakfast at someone's house with a group of people would mean a minimum of an hour or two before we actually got going. I had in my head that we’d be meeting on the trail first thing in the morning. I would be ready to go at 6:00 am. Breakfast at 8? I wanted to be halfway done with my morning by that time. 

I vented my thoughts and frustrations out loud at the dinner table and realized as I heard my own words out loud that it didn’t matter. This was part of the journey and all I could do was accept it. The thought crossed my mind that I could get dropped off at the trailhead first thing in the morning and start off on my own. That seemed selfish and pouty. I heard a voice tell me to start dropping my expectations now. It wouldn’t be an adventure if everything went the way I wanted it to.

“Ya that sounds good. What's the address?” I replied. 

We pulled up to the house outside of Denver around 8:00 AM. I still didn’t know anyone other than Ungerwear who would be joining us for the journey but also didn’t think much of it. This journey was for me. I was excited to have a familiar face but in all reality I just needed Ryan to give me the push. He’s great with that kind of thing and I knew once I got going I’d probably end up wanting to venture on alone.

I walked downstairs to the basement of the suburban home outside of Denver and a young kid dressed in a baggy maroon YMCA long sleeve shirt was going through his backpack. He looked up and introduced himself as Brad. My girlfriend and I introduced ourselves. “So are you guys married?” Buzzed Brad. “No” both of us said in unison. “So what are you guys like, dating?” We both kind of laughed being slightly thrown off by the instant inquisition and said yes. 

“So how long have you guys been dating then”? He pushed further. We tried explaining we had an on/off relationship that’s been complicated which didn’t seem to satisfy him. I took the split second of silence as an opportunity to ask Brad about himself and change the subject. He gladly went into a story about his recent travels over Eastern Europe and the Middle East. He was excited about this particular trip however, because it was a new opportunity to share the gospel with the backpacking community. 

“Aye yay yay” I thought to myself through a tightly clenched jaw. 

My mind flashed back to my youth and the mission trips with churches I had been on. It felt like a whole other lifetime. I had intentionally spent the last 15 years avoiding this kind of culture. Don’t get me wrong I believe in helping others regardless of what faith one practices. Doing actual work to help communities whether through volunteering, building homes, providing clean water are all noble and virtuous missions. It was the proselytizing and attempts to try and convince people to join one's religion that I didn’t like. I had put a good deal of distance between myself and any form of evangelical methodology, philosophy, and the like. The fusion of religion and politics, the cultural bubble and even the language and lingo that came with it were all elements of a bygone life for me that made me uneasy. I didn’t like being reminded of a world that I had felt robbed me of so much. I remember I used to say things like “the kingdom” and “to his glory”… “walking in fellowship” and “Praise the Lord”. If one wants to feed the poor, heal the sick and shelter the homeless, I’m all for it. Telling people they should be a Christian so they can go to heaven made me nauseous. 

I had a slight moment of anxiety as I thought, “oh great everyone here is a missionary? I don’t want to be lumped in with that.” I also felt guilty because I knew that I was literally judging people based upon their religious beliefs. It was more that I knew the mindset around pushing religion on others and this need to feel like anyone who isn’t a christian is “lost”. When in reality I had spent the first half of my life steeped in tradition and culture and felt like a spiritual prisoner despite being told I had been freed by the “blood of the lamb”. 

Since leaving that world I’ve never felt more spiritually at peace than with an agnostic approach to existence, mysticism and spiritual energy. I don't make claims to have any answers and I’m very skeptical with anyone or any belief system that does.

Brad seemed like a really nice guy right off the bat though. He had a friendly smile and youthful look. He had a handsome and boyish appearance like he’d just recently gone through puberty but was 24 years old. He was a graduate student from North Carolina getting his master in geology, and was pretty knowledgeable without seeming like a know-it-all.

The conversation with Brad dissipated as he went back to rummaging through his stuff. I assessed the rest of the basement to see who all was going along. We had already briefly met Ellie a few nights before. Andy was near the couch also going through his gear spread out on the floor. My first impression of him was that he resembled a young Cary Elwes who played Westley from the movie The Princess Bride. He was tall, had shaggy blond hair and was attractive. He had a southern accent from Arkansas and was currently living in Colorado Springs working for the same mission organization as the rest of the group. 

There was Lynzee, a 38 year old with short blond hair from Michigan. To her left Sam had dark brown hair and blue eyes and was athletic. She was in her early 20’s and lived in Northern California. Unger who sat on the couch watched the group stuff items into their packs and make piles of other items they’d leave behind. 

At this point I was kind of starting to wonder why we weren’t ready to leave at 8:30 in the morning. After all, we had 500 miles to cover and I’d been ready to go for a week.  

We ate breakfast but it was unclear what was taking so long. We seemed to be waiting for someone or something but no one seemed to be in charge. There was something about a guy on a motorcycle and how many trips we would need to get everyone to the trailhead. Perhaps because I was the outsider, I had not picked up on or been around for the details as to why we weren’t ready to leave but the longer we hung around doing nothing the more anxious I got. 

Finally, Ungerwear called everyone over. “Most of you guys are familiar with the dos and don'ts of being out in nature but just in case let’s go over a few ground rules of the trail” he started off. “Everyone here is on their own journey. No one is tying your shoes for you. Even though we want to support one another, you’re on your own in the wilderness. This isn’t a guided tour.”

“The trail is about 500 miles so you may want to keep going one day or hold back another. Everyone’s abilities are different so staying together can be challenging so do what's best for you” he continued. 

This seemed to bring about a cause for concern from Lindsee. “Wait. So what exactly does that mean?” she echoed. “If someone gets separated from the group, I’m going to be really worried about their safety. Are we just going to keep hiking without them? She said with worry in her voice. 

Ungerwear hesitated a minute and seemed to grasp at the empty air around him for the right words to calm her fears. I was in the lucky position of not officially being with the group. I was happy to join this crew in order to have familiar faces along the journey but I had been sensing that the next month of my life would not be spent exclusively with these six people and no offense to them but I didn't want it to either. So while I understood her concern and admired her for wanting to make sure others were taken care of, I also felt she should be more focused on her own journey and experience rather than the group. Ungerwear was trying to convey that this was not a class field trip. This was a thru-hike and that meant hiking from start to finish through the wilderness, over the mountains, across streams and along valleys, where it would be nearly impossible to keep seven people together the entire time. Everyone was on different timelines and the timelines could be broken down by basic math. 

For instance Brad was only out in Colorado until the 14th of August and had a flight already booked back home. He was meeting a friend in Leadville a few days prior so he was only planning on doing a portion of the trail. Sam and Ellie had flights from Durango back to Northern California at the end of August. In order to hike 500 miles in time for their departure they’d need to average 16-20 miles per day. Ungerwear was on a similar timeline and Andy  needed to be back in Colorado Springs by the first of September. My timeline had been one month. It was July 26 and I needed to be finished by August 26. 

So different timetables meant different travel speeds and distances for everyone over the coming weeks. There was no possible way that we were all going to do this trail together. I could tell that despite his best efforts he did not provide Lindsee with a satisfactory answer but continued on anyway. 

“Waste.” he said like the title of a conversation topic. “Of course everyone knows ‘pack in, pack out’ and so anything you bring into the wilderness you bring out with you. Obviously you’ll need to poop in the woods so it's best if you bring your toilet paper out with you. Perhaps have a separate baggie for all of your TP” he added as people fidgeted at the idea of hiking with their own shit stained toilet paper in their backpack. I laughed to myself, knowing there was no way I’d be doing this. I was very content with digging a hole and burying my waste. 

I’m probably the outlier in this area of outdooring culture but I do not believe that if done properly toilet paper is a problem for the environment. Have you ever tried wiping down water with a piece of tp? It basically disintegrates. I’m less concerned with my “charmin” footprint and more interested in the carbon one. The problem is when you get to a campsite and five feet away from where the tent is supposed to be pitched, you find the remnants of the previous camper's choice for a toilet. It’s all about the effort. Walk your lazy ass 20 more feet into the woods where no one will ever go. And while a handful of outdooring die-hards think they’re making a difference because they carried their poop out of the wilderness, another million plastic bags filled with dog shit just entered the waste stream.Everyone seemed to nod in unison and I wondered if they were all full of shit about their shit. I didn’t nod and didn’t think more of it. 

Ungerwear continued with advising everyone to stay on the trail “don’t cut switchbacks' ' he said. “No matter how tired you are or how much faster you think you can go from the shortcut, it is detrimental to the trail.” I nodded my head like everyone else again wondering how many people would actually walk every inch of the trail. 

“Same goes for camp sites. Use the areas that have already been developed along the trail. Don't pitch your tent in a valley if there is a flat and packed spot nearby along the trail. Even if it makes for a great instagram shot we want to keep the trail as preserved as possible.” he said. I agreed with him and also knew that there would 100% be a day where I would be pitching my tent in a location that was not along the trail and made for a cool photo. 

“And lastly, we are all out here for different reasons. One of the best parts about thru hiking is the people. Personally, I love the different trails and to hike and I love Jesus but when you’re out meeting different people… dont be weird.” he said looking at no one in particular but clearly speaking to someone. I chuckled to myself at the comment and ironically thought, “thank god”. 

We were finally ready to go or so it seemed. There were seven of us and the only one of us who had transportation was Ungerwear. He had a minivan that had been converted into a sort of mobile home. So there would need to be multiple trips. The trail began about 20 minutes away from us at Waterton Canyon. It was now late morning and I eagerly volunteered to join the first group. 

As I assessed the chaos and frustrating logistics of the situation I realized that I would likely not be hiking with my friend who had been the inspiration for the trip. I was so antsy to get going and irritated that it was almost noon and we still hadn’t started. I quickly accepted Brad and Andy as my companions for the foreseeable future. So Ungerwear, Brad, Andy and myself piled into the maroon Dodge Caravan and headed south. 

Before we had closed the doors we learned that Brad did not have any fuel for his camping stove. “Anyway we can make a stop and pick some up?” he asked. My eyes glossed over with numbness and I questioned if I would ever actually start the Colorado Trail. I wanted to say “you’re telling me you flew across the country to hike and camp for three weeks and you didn’t get fuel even though you brought a camping stove?” How was it that I was the only person who seemed to be ready to go the night before? I had been planning for this trip for less than two weeks making lists, hunting down supplies and packing and repacking to maximize weight and space. 

In addition to not having fuel, Ungerwear had conducted what's known as a “shakedown” with Brad that morning. This is where someone goes through your pack and pulls each item out one by one asking if you really need it and if so, when and where and why you think you will use it. It's actually a really effective way to think about efficiency of weight with your pack and determine one's true needs along the trail. In this particular shakedown, Brad had shed 11 pounds from his pack. However, it was things like a handful of coins, and the kinds of articles that one collects over the years in a junk drawer. After all was said and done it appeared he had shed a giant bag of trash rather than redundant hiking gear. I once again felt I was judging him too harshly and my attitude was a bit selfish. We certainly needed to get him a fuel can and I’d want the same for me so being annoyed with his lack of planning wasn’t going to get us on the trail any faster. 

We pulled over to a Walgreens and I went in to grab a snack since I figured I might as well deal with my stress through something unhealthy. I walked in behind Brad to watch him go to the sunglasses case. I walked up to the clerk and asked if they had any fuel cans for camping or an outdoor section. Of course I knew the answer to this because we were in a damn pharmacy/convenience store. I might as well have asked the woman if they had any car engines or where the rare cheese aisle might be. 

After confirming what I already knew I went straight to Brad to deliver the news. “Hey dude they don’t have any fuel cans here but there is a hardware store three doors down you can try.” Brad looked at me as if he had little clue as to what I was referring to and then deliberated on if he should buy a pair of $20 sunglasses. 

I forewent the junk food, bought a water bottle and went out to the car to wait. A few minutes later he emerged from the hardware store empty handed. We piled in and made way for an REI down the road where we were able to get what we needed. 

Finally, we were ready and I was no longer in a bad mood. I didn’t like the fact that I was so irritable but attributed much of it to the real fact that I was nervous. I was scared about the future, the future over the course of the next month and the future of my life without a job, the fact that I missed my kids and the fear of the pain I was certainly about to experience. It felt weird to have such an open ended reality. I didn’t know what to expect, already my expectations on day one had been destroyed and nothing had gone according to the plan in my head. 

We arrived at the trail and Ungerwear ushered us off like a parent sending his kids to their first day of school. He was genuinely excited for us and I could tell that he understood something that I didn’t but that soon, I would be in on the secret. We took a few pictures next to the sign to document the dawn of a new era. “You guys are going to have so much fun,” he said with a grin. “So are you going to catch up to us or should we wait for you?” asked one of the other guys. He gave an ambiguous response and we all knew that there was no way we were going to sit there and wait for the rest of the group. “I guess, we will see you when we see you then” I said. 

“You guys ready?” he asked. 

“Does a dog shit in the woods?” I responded and with my first step I felt ready for whatever was next.